Why I Need a Black Homeschool Group: Part 2

Why I Need a Black Homeschool Group: Part 2 | Heritage Mom

source: https://heritagemom.com/index.php/2018/12/10/why-i-need-a-black-homeschool-group-part-2/

In Why I Need a Black Homeschool Group: Part 1, I explained why I started an in-person support group for black homeschoolers and its immediate impact on my family. I gave an overview of what led to the decision and how it has benefited my family and others, but I didn't answer the million-dollar question of why being around other black homeschoolers has felt so doggone good.

I'm not a sociologist or a professional researcher, so I'm not attempting to give you a scientific, peer-reviewed breakdown. I'm just sharing my two cents on why black folks need other black folks. I'm not attempting to speak for black people everywhere [Do I even need to say that?]. These are my personal observations and reflections along with what other families have shared with me.

I know that some of what I'm writing will make people uncomfortable. Talking about this stuff is uncomfortable, but maybe it won't always be that way. I'm going to speak from the perspective of educating the many white homeschooling moms - some well-meaning and others not - who have asked me why I felt the need to start a black group when I already had a good [white] group, but it may also be eye-opening for black homeschoolers who haven't pursued participation in a black support group. While a lot of my reflections extend beyond homeschooling world, I'm specifically talking about homeschoolers right now because there are additional nuances that may or may not change things if I looked at broader society. I'm not going to keep writing "many white people" and "many black people." I'm just going to say "white people" and "black people," so let's agree up front that we all know that nothing anyone says about any group of people is going to cover every single member of that group. Agreed? Now we don't have to worry about getting side-tracked over the minutiae while missing the main point. Now...

[clearing my throat...wiping the sweat from my arm pits]

...here are my thoughts on the necessity of black homeschool groups:

Bi-cultural:

having or combining the cultural attitudes and customs of two nations, peoples, or ethnic groups

1. Black homeschoolers are bi-cultural. We have our own culture, and we're fluent in your culture as well. We've assimilated, to varying degrees, and learned how to be more like white people which makes you really comfortable being around some of us. But you don't know our culture. We have a way of doing things and a way of being that you aren't aware of, and I can barely explain it to you. It's so hard to put into words. We respond to various situations differently, and we have an unwritten code of social behavior that we subconsciously learn and act upon that is different than your code of acceptable behavior. In short, when we're with you, sometimes there is a festering feeling of being a visitor in someone else's lovely home. Sometimes we want to put our feet up on the couch, let our hair down, and relax.

Code-switch:

the practice of alternating between two or more languages or varieties of language in conversation

2. Black homeschoolers code-switch. We have our own way of communicating that extends beyond what you would call slang or "improper" English. It used to be called Ebonics, but it's now known as Black Vernacular English. It's not wrong; it's just different from how you talk. It is "characterized by pronunciations (phonology), syntactic patterns (grammar), and morphological features (inflections) that in many instances also occur in other varieties of English," and sometimes we want to use it. It's like your messy bun hairstyle. You know how to do your hair in other styles, but you like the messy bun - even if other people think you look undone. When we're with you, we have to talk like you or you'll be confused, uncomfortable, or judge us. When we're alone, we can speak however we want to speak with no fear of judgement because we all know that we code-switch. I once heard a guy say that he wants a wife he can take to Waffle House or the White House because she's comfortable at both places. That's us. We can mix it up.

3. Black adults relate differently to black children. In our white group, the moms are nice women who are very kind to my children, but my kids don't have a relationship with them that extends beyond "you're the mother of my friend." There is warmth and kindness but also a sense of formality. I never saw this as a big deal because that's how I related to most of my friends' moms growing up, too. It seemed normal. But in our black group, the moms are surrogate mamas who reach out for warm embraces from my kids and serve as sounding boards for their wacky ideas and recipients of their silly stunts. The relationship includes a heart-melting amount of emotional and physical intimacy that developed in a relatively short time. I'm sorry that I can't explain how or why this is. I don't know for sure, but I suspect that it could be cultural because it doesn't appear that the moms in my white group treat my children any differently than they treat each other's kiddos.

4. Black homeschooled children behave differently. When we (black moms) are with you (white moms), we have hawk-eyes on our children. We feel the intense pressure of representing allllllllll black families when we're with you. If our kids legitimately misbehave or act "wild" (according to your definition) we think that you'll think that all black kids are "bad" or wild, and what you think matters because...we want to be accepted. {insert shoulder shrug}.

When black moms are alone with other black moms, our children are on a much longer leash, and they have more freedom to be themselves. Why? Because when children are let alone they sometimes do little naughty things. We know that. We know that all children can and will misbehave at times. We quickly address the misbehavior and then return to our adult conversation without ever once wondering what the other moms are thinking about our little black kids. That's when they're legitimately misbehaving.

But there are also the times when they're not misbehaving (according to us) but you think they are (according to you). We can tell that you disapprove because you look aghast, you look uncomfortable, you chastise our children, or you pull your good child away from our bad child's negative influence. The easiest example I can give for this is volume. Yes, volume. As in how loud something is.

Our kids are louder than yours. Our kids are more physically demonstrative than yours. And we're OK with that. In fact, they probably learned it from us. White homeschool parties are quiet. Black homeschool parties are not. White homeschool play dates are quiet. Black homeschool play dates are not. White conversations are calm and...quiet. Black conversations are spirited and...loud. Loud black kids often make white people uncomfortable and they are constantly telling our kids to "Shhhh! Be quiet," and that makes our kids, and us, uncomfortable.

I had to explain it as us being loud so you could understand what I mean, but in reality, we're not loud. That's our normal volume. But since white people don't like it, it has become known as being "too loud," and it is often connected to being wild or ignorant. We're not wild. We're certainly not ignorant. It's cultural.

Our kids move around a lot - when they're talking and when they're not. It's not ADHD (it could be, but that's not what I'm talking about). It's not misbehavior. It's normal to US. We are demonstrative and expressive. That's also cultural.

So, being in a black homeschool group is refreshing because our kids can just be kids. The room sounds different, the kids are moving differently, the adults are speaking differently, and the topics of conversation are different. Not always but often.

5. We want to do black stuff. Not occasionally or just in February, but frequently. As in, we do black stuff with our kids a lot. And we're pretty sure that you and your kids don't want to do that much black stuff.

I want to share one little example of why representation matters. We attended the Nutcracker by The Atlanta Ballet two or three years in a row with our white group. It was at the beautiful Fox Theater in downtown Atlanta, it was so nice, and my girls really liked it. When we got in the car, my youngest daughter said, "That was so fun! I love watching those ballerinas! " I felt good about that, and I was pleased that she enjoyed the show.

Fast-forward to after I started Heritage Homeschoolers. Our group took the children to see The Urban Nutcracker, a lovely performance by a small ballet company at a small community theater. The entire production featured black ballerinas and male ballet dancers.

"Urban Nutcracker" takes place on Atlanta's own Sweet Auburn Avenue in the 1940s. Enjoy the soulful celebration, the majestic journey and the whimsical and mysterious characters, including the Reggae Ragdolls, the sultry Arabian dancers, the spinning and leaping Black Russian, Mother Spice and her tumbling Spice Drops, the bubbly Coca Cola Pas de Six, and the elegant Brown Sugar and her Chocolatier. "Urban Nutcracker" is to "The Nutcracker" as "The Wiz" is to the "Wizard of Oz."

After the show, my girls excitedly climbed into the backseat, and my youngest daughter said "That was AMAZING! I want to be a ballerina! "

"I love watching those ballerinas" vs. "I want to be a ballerina." Small nuance. Critical difference. After watching a stage full of white ballerinas in an elegant theater, my sweet girl wanted to watch them again. After watching a stage full of black ballerinas on a little "rinky-dink" stage, my baby wanted to BE a ballerina. And that's why representation matters.

Black moms search high and low for opportunities for their children to see black people in all types of arenas. We'll drive an hour each way for a black pediatrician {raising my hand}. We'll pay $83 for a collector's version of a black Rapunzel Barbie or $56 for a black GI Joe in a dapper uniform that we know will get trampled and tossed about {raising both hands}. We will spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars to create a home library full of so many books with black characters that our kids would look at you sideways if you told them that black books are hard to find. And the list goes on. Our kids hunger for black stuff, and we'll do anything to provide it.

But we're pretty sure that you don't have that same hunger for providing black experiences and things for your kids. And we get it. Are you going to the Urban Nutcracker? Are your kids going to read black books all year long in a homeschool book club? Are you going to try to attend every black performance you can find and afford? Are you going to include the role blacks played in any and every historical activity or event?

If not, why would you think that my family wants to do all white stuff all the time?

Sure, sometimes things are just neutral. We all enjoy the zoo, the aquarium, and the science museum. But we're not only looking for someone to join in during field trips. We're also looking for holistic enrichment that will help grow our children's minds and hearts in a healthy, truthful, supportive way.

And yes, my white group does do "black" stuff. I put things on the calendar, and they come. Why? Because they're good people who want their kids to know about black history and culture. So it's not like my kids can never get that from a white group. However, I plan 100% of those activities, and I'm careful not to put too many on the calendar lest I be seen only as the "black" mom. With Heritage...the more, the merrier. The families come to our group for the salve, and I don't have to hold back.

6. Wanting to be around black homeschoolers doesn't mean that we don't want to be around you. If that was true, I would have quit my white group two years and one month ago (the day I started the black group). The two are not mutually exclusive. I can want to be around black people AND white people. I like them both. I like to be around them together (though the opportunity rarely arises), I obviously don't terribly mind being around white people by myself (I've done it my whole life), but sometimes I want to be around other black homeschoolers ALONE - without you.

One of my white "friends" (not sure how close we can ever be if she keeps saying dumb stuff) told me that she felt that my black group was reverse racism. She said that she would get in trouble if she started a white homeschooling group or a white mom's group.

After blinking several times and considering how much I should say given that I was standing in her kitchen, I calmly explained to her that there is NO NEED for her to start a white group because she already has one. Almost everything everywhere in our local homeschooling community is white. There's no shortage of white anything here. She actually DOES have a white homeschool group, but they don't have to write "white" on it. It's white because it's full of white people. And she DOES have a white mom's group. We were in it together and it was called MOPS. It's white because it's full of white people. What is the difference?

She said the difference was that she didn't say that black people couldn't join her group. Aha! And therein lies the problem. I didn't say that white people couldn't join my group either. It's just not for them. They can get in where they fit in, just like I do with my kids. But they'll be the only ones, and it may be awkward. And it may not fulfill them. And they may not like doing black stuff and talking about black stuff all the time. Just.Like.It.Is.For.Us.

Furthermore, I pointed out that when I was on our Worldschooling trip in Bolivia, the handful of Americans I met were always getting together ALONE (as in, without any Bolivians). Only Americans were invited to the little outings or shared meals, and they specifically stated that sometimes they just wanted to be with other Americans. They said it was so refreshing and it filled them up. They looked for each other. They set up a Facebook group to help them find other Americans, and when they were together they spoke English even though they were all fluent in Spanish. Hmm...sounds awfully familiar to me.

Do these Americans living abroad, sitting around eating imported American food, talking in English about American stuff, hate Bolivians? Are they racist?

Does anyone even think to ask them that?

A couple of years ago, one of my white mom friends said, "I'm going to sign my daughters up for ballet so they can be around some other girls. All of the neighbor kids are boys, our church small group is full of boys, and all of their cousins are boys. Boys, boys, boys!!! Arrrggghhhh! The girls get along so well with all of their boy friends, but sometimes they just want to play baby dolls or be girly."

So do you think she hates boys?

Now let me add that this particular friend also has a 3rd child...a boy. He's the youngest in the family, and they're not having any more kids, so he is her baby. He is a mama's boy, and she loves him dearly.

So now do you think she hates boys?

Nope, she doesn't. She thinks boys are rock stars. She loves them to pieces. But she also recognizes that girls and boys are different. They play differently and often have different interests. Her daughters miss the type of interaction they get with other little girls, so she's doing what she can to get them that interaction.

It seems normal that Americans living outside of America seek each other. No one called that out as being a bad thing. It seems normal to orchestrate play time with other girls for your daughters, and my friend felt so free to share that story. So why have I been challenged and shamed for sharing that my children need interaction with other black children? It makes you wonder, doesn't it?

8. We get a break from being politically-correct. We don't have to hold back or bite our tongues or risk offending people. We don't have to endure overhearing conversations that may or may not have been meant for our ears. We don't have to listen to clueless people make excuses for racist behavior. Donald Trump doesn't exist in our homeschool group. Politics are rarely discussed. There is absolutely 0% chance that any of the moms in the room have "liked" racist FB pages or racist political memes or belong to FB groups of organizations known for hating or marginalizing black people - EVEN IF the groups are hiding behind a curtain of professed Christianity. No one talks about making America great again. No one thinks there were good people on both sides in Charlottesville. No one has Confederate flags in their homes, on their clothing, or on their vehicle, and no one wants their children around people who do. No one cares who sits or stands for the anthem, but it would never even come up because no one is singing the anthem at our homeschool events. So yeah, it's a little different.

Sidenote: Facebook has single-handedly reduced the list of homes my children are allowed to visit by 50%. I don't have time to be on there snooping around looking at what everyone says and likes. But the little algorithms or whatever make stuff just pop up on my app. I have found out A TON about what my white homeschool friends think and feel by seeing what they comment on, like, and join on Facebook. Sometimes it validates what I already know about them, but other times I have been utterly shocked. So, if you have a racist footprint on FB, please don't be surprised if I turn down every invitation you extend to my children from now until eternity. Sadly, most of the people this applies to are ignorantly oblivious or in denial, but still. And if I let my kids come to your house, but then I say that we mysteriously can't come over when your mom and dad are there...Just assume that I've seen THEIR comments and likes on FB, too. And there is just no way they can be near my babies.

9. Black moms are vigilant about finding affirming curriculum resources. We share these resources with each other, and give a heads up (or a primal scream) when we run across materials that need to be avoided. And you haven't seen anything until you see some black moms hand paint or re-color pictures, books, dolls, and other items with brown paint, marker, or the computer. We may love the material, or can't find anything better, but refuse to present only images of white people in all of our children's studies and play time. So, the networking that goes on among black homeschoolers is vital and full of info that can't be found elsewhere. It's the same as getting a reliable pediatrician or dentist recommendation, but even more important.

10. Black women relate differently to other black women. This is another one of those things that I can't completely explain. The part I do understand is that there are shared things that are part of the black experience in America, and other black homeschool moms understand it without me having to explain it. They know that I cringe a little every time a white woman coos at my beautiful black little boys because I wonder whether she will still find them sweet and attractive when they're 12 or 15 or 35. I don't have to tell her that I feel that way because she feels that way too, so she already knows.

I don't have to tell her that I woke up 3 hours early to unbraid, wash, condition, and detangle my daughter's hair. She can look at her hair and see that for herself. She knows to go out of her way to tell my girls that their hair is beautiful and special. And she knows that I will do the same with her girls.

She knows that it's taking EVERYTHING inside of me to bite my tongue and plaster a smile on my face when my daughter tells me that she wants to be on swim team - the swim team where they will be in the chlorinated pool five mornings a week for six weeks. She knows that I'm sick about the prospect of trying to keep her hair healthy during this time, but there is no way in the world that I'd ever tell my daughter that she can't do something because of her hair. We were raised that way, and we're not doing it to our girls...but she still gets that it's hard for me.

She knows that I'm not going to eat or feed my kids before coming to an event at her house because she knows that I know that she's going to have a full spread of food. She'll have too much food - more than we could or would ever eat - and it will be delicious. It's her way of saying "I love you." We don't have to tell each other because we already know.

She knows that if she sees my kids running around outside with no shoes on she has the right to tell them to put on some shoes because that's not something that we do. We don't really have a fully fleshed out reason for this rule, but she does know that it's a rule anyway.

I'm not sure, but maybe it's because of these things, and a hundred others like them, that the timeline for relational transparency and intimacy between black homeschool moms is so much shorter.

Or maybe there's some completely different reason.

Admittedly, I don't know.

All I know is that I have very close friendships with some white homeschool moms. Some of my very best friends are white. {I started laughing when I typed that. Some of you will know why.} I'm definitely not saying that white and black homeschool moms can't develop close friendships because that's just not true. What I'm saying is that it usually takes a long time. And black homeschool moms can get extremely close so fast that it makes your head spin. It reminds me of a meme I saw that said,

Friendship isn't about who you've known the longest. It's about who walked into your life, said "I'm here for you" and proved it.

Three months after starting my black homeschool group, I felt closer to some of the moms there than I did with any of the moms in my white group after several years of participation. I never saw that coming.

Conclusion: There are many reasons that black homeschool groups are necessary, and I've highlighted some of those reasons here. Some of them are obvious while others aren't so...black and white. {Ha! I couldn't resist.} If you asked me about it and I sent you a link to this post as my response (which is what I plan to do going forward), I hope this answered your questions.

If you're white and this post offends you, please use this newfound information as an opportunity for self-reflection and to gain wisdom. If you're black and feel this doesn't represent your reality, please consider that we are not a monolithic people so leave room in your mind for the fact that the black homeschool moms I know do feel this way. If you're white or black and think that what I wrote here is not true, please search deeply inside to determine whether you actually believe that none of it is true...or if you just desperately wish that it wasn't.

Read on

to find out how my need to be around black people reconciles with my commitment to working towards racial reconciliation.

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